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Andy’s Travel Diary

Tuesday, 12 Dec 2006

Location: Ko Phi Phi, Thailand

MapH / A / PHI / PHI / Y
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Phi Phi - one of my favourite places in the world. I already described it in a previous post so i won’t go into detail.

We left Phuket via boat and lay on the front listening to music, catching some rays and chatting to other travellers. It was great to set eyes on Phi Phi’s melting limestone cliffs, arcs of white sand and clear turquoise water. Again.

I was anticipating a welcome back party, ticker tape parade along the strip of shops and restaurants and a healthy turnout of beaming Thai people waving at me and caling my name. Nothing - except some Thai people waving at me, but they were touts. Seems no one had heard I was returning.

Found a room in the Andaman which was up the far end of the beach. Not a patch on the last hotel but that’s to be expected on a gap year. It had a pool though which was put to good use, in particular being the venue for a new game Sam and I invented called Heads.

Rules of Heads:

1) Two players - each must have head.
2) One player at either end of the pool.
3) One ball - preferably hard and makes a nice thwacking sound upon contact with skin.
4) Each takes a turn to throw ball - aim at the persons face.
5) Receiver is not allowed to move.
6) Continue until face is read and nurofen a necessity.

Most of our days were spent on the gorgeous beach, around the pool and eating in seafood restaurants with fantastic views of the sea and limestone karsts. Most of our nights were productively spent in Apache Bar. An awesome venue; great music, great crowd and always packed.

But little did we know that trouble was just over the hill. Literally.

On our first night there the bar closed around 3am. The crowd therefore decided to begin the short trek to Hippies Bar which stays open later and is located right on the beach. Walking up and over a slight hill on the path (there are no roads on Phi Phi) to the bar i slipped over in a mysterious substance and found myself performing the crab manouevre. At first i thought it was mud, but as one of the onlookers commented, “If it looks like excrement and smells like excrement (boy did it ever) then it’s likely to be excrement”. Further analysis suggested it originated from the rectum of a homo sapien. Shoving my hands in Sam’s face failed to verify this conclusively. After flouncing about on the floor for a few minutes I finally regained my composure and the use of my feet. Unfortuntely the fellow behind me repeated my stunt with the added twist of placing his dirtied hands on the back of my t-shirt to help himself up (no, thankyou!). Chaos soon erupted when tens if not hundreds (ok tens) of victims began pouring over the hill oblivious to the scenes of inhumane carnage and terror just across the lip of the hill. All then began to slide, fall and skid with arms a-flay and mouths a-screaming. Those already privvy to my Torvil and Dean spectacle stood silent - either aghast or in anticipation that those coming later would not notice anything out of the ordinary and suffer a similar fate.

The whole fiasco has become know as Poo Hill Massacre and according to Ruth and Sam was the highlight of their entire trip. For me it was a new and depressing low.

After cleaning up i joined the others in Hippies Bar where we met some French fellows who became our chums for the rest of our time on the island.

It has also recently come to my attention that various pictures of me ’sans’ trousers have been circling around the internet while i was being directed home one night from the bar. This was due to a wardrobe malfunction - my jeans fell down and no one would pick them up for me.

Reggae bar was also frequented. This particular establishment has a Muay Thai boxing ring in the middle and stupid, or possibly just drunk tourists are encouraged by the offer of a free bucket of drink to compete against each other. Any inclinations to participate were quickly reduced to nothing after a guys shoulder popped out of its socket. The bar emptied as the guy lost consciousness with repeated attempts to force the cheeky bone back into place.

Other notable ‘events’ included a ladyboy cabaret show in Apache. We were treated to a series of songs which were lip-synched in a style Bruce Lee would appluad, and some comically out of time dances. Most of the performers displayed supermodel figures and delicate, high cheekboned faces….except one who was the spitting image of Ting Tong. She soon became the crowd’s favourite.

I think it is easy to appreciate how our evenings were spent. Thai whiskey buckets became a significant part of our lives.

Finally, no trip to Phi Phi is complete without a chartered boat to ‘the Beach’. The difference from my last visit was the company we had to share the experience with - no one. Ruth, Sam and I had the island to ourselves. One of the most stunning beaches in the world and only three people on it. What luck.

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Next stop:
Meant to be Krabi but the Isrealis were already reported to be on Pha-Ngan so our schedule was thrown into disarray.