From laurie
missed you camping sir - has Andy mentioned we may be jet setting soon?
nowhere near as ace a trip and certainly without the benefit of a fantabuloso volvo, but still - you could well be taking a trip to Virginia when you finally return!
Andy says hi!
I'll let him explain the details of this cryptic clued message. If only you'd been camping, i wouldn't have been the only moaner on top of a winder hill!
Response: Hey Lauren - nice to hear from you - jetting where? I think you'd like camping down here! Even in 'winter' it's perfect x
From JanetHi Frank - check out these for ideas to 'Geek my Ride' :
http://www.miscmasala.com/2008/03/11-awesome-ge... Personally, if it was sprayed black, I think it would make a great Ant Hill Mob's car from the Wacky Races (although I guess you and Ultan didn't have to pedal along a la Fred Flintstone to get home) or failing that, the Addams Family car (the original 1960s TV series, not the film). Altogether now, dadadada *click*click*
Take care
Janet
Response: Excellent - I'll have to check it out. Geek my ride sounds right up my street! There's so much potential for her.....
From
Oh what cars Volvos are!
The only thing I could think of to supplement your excellent list of improvements is to fill the hidden boot space under the boot floor with large bottles of drinking water and food tins to sustain you just in case a kangaroo pinched your plug leads in the outback. The advantage of carrying water not red wine is that you would not have to stop so often nor remember to continuously replace it for every trip. Sorry for such a apparently boring suggestion, but we do love you Frank and if these blogs stopped what would we do.
David
Response: Water and tinned food. Oh dear that is boring but important I guess. I think RAC membership is a must.Still doesn't help you if there's no phone reception - which is the case for much of the road network in Oz!
Thanks for your best wishes! Glad you approve of the car - same colour as Mike's I think!
From Bee Woo
Plophead, your Volvo is a thing of absolute beauty. Have been checking blog but for some reason it's only today that your last three posts showed up. Very strange. I notice your blog has now gone back up to number 4 - perhaps the Volvo has increased your readership? All okay here, just about - with the exception of my stress-related hair loss (no joke) and possible anaemia! My hypochondria is still alive and well, you'll be glad to hear. First half day Friday today (gotta love summer office hours) so taking myself off for a massage and haircut prior to this evening's liver-bashing with the colleagues. Miss you enormously. Love Bee Woo x
Response: Oh dear BeeWoo. Well if you do burn the candle at both ends.....You should listen to uncle plop...Hair loss i can tell you from personal experience is about as bad as it gets!
Miss you too....sob sob xxx
From Carl
Pink furry dice to accentuate the black leather, how could you forget such a necessity Frank?!
And how about 'FRANK' and 'ULTAN' on the top of the windscreen? :)
Response: Dice. I like it. Bit cliche but it could work.
"Frank and Ultan" - again - a good suggestion. But I don't share her with anyone....
From Dad
Quality, Frank. The blue lights underneath will lend an undeniable touch of class. All that's missing is a horn that plays Waltzing Matilda or a selection from South Pacific. X.
Response: I think you're on to something there....Onlookers will be green with envy....
From Dad
An automatic - a total victory for common sense, Frank! And a nice looking Volvo. You clearly need something relentless that's not going to let you down in those parts... Glad you didn't stumble across a Taipan, although the most deadly animal in Oz is apparently the European Honey Bee, from allergic reactions. Stange but true! X
Response: Indeed. Can't be bothered with gears...I think it's highly unlikely you'd ever see a snake here...
From pigeon
So Boris won!! It's going to be a hillarious next 4 years..
Response: I know! Bloody marvellous! Good riddance red Ken....
From David
Frank
Jolyon mentioned you getting your priorities sorted at last- even Saab drivers must see the errror of their ways and get a Volvo Estate in the end. You really have arrived!
Happy motoring
David
(PS I won't hold it against you if its not silver)
Response: It's a silvery blue - hope that counts! Just done a 1000km trip no probs at all! Wonderful car!
From Midshipman Carl
Rear Admiral Frank,
Ah a Volvo estate, boxy-but good!
So where will H.M.S WOOD be making it's first port of call, are you going to take her into the "Bush"? Ensure you don't get lost in there as it'd be like one of those irritating aussie soap storylines!
May just phone you this weekend whilst out camping it up, haven't spoken to you in ages (for some reason i find myself missing your miserable-ness) if nothing else it'll give me the opportunity to take the piss regarding the car!
TTFN
Response: Oh the car is a thing of beauty. I love it. Just had a superb 4 day trip of 1000km without a hitch! I must join the Volvo owners' club!!!! Will write up at some point..
From pigeon
You are buying a Volvo estate? David Hoare would be most approving! Would have to be silver, mind!
Car sound a good plan, less walking and you can get out and discover the surrounding area. What's insurance and tax like?
I am doing a fair bit of walking. Actually, I must be the only person to come to America and lose weight! Then again, I am fencing 4 nights a week! Have you continued any of your running?
What's the food like? Do you cook at all or are the staff at BK getting to know you?!
Work sounds most impressive- I have not used W2007, sounds weird? Hope the laptop situation resolves itself...I know how much it means to you! I would be stuffed without mine here- but then I actually use mine for work!
Hope things continue to go well- thanks for the text the other day. Obviously, I am too tight to actually phone you!
Pigeon
p.s the guys are going camping in Wales this weekend- I'm sure rob (Coltrane) will miss his sleeping companion!
Response: Yes I'm obviously going to "pimp it up". I'll have to get some sort of insurance as you only get 3rd party - doesnt cover for someone elses car.
I do a little bit of cooking. I've been very restrained on the fast food situation although am still just as rotund.
Gutted to be missing the camping. Still I think I win on the sightseeing front!!!!!
From Vicki
Tank,
Am contemplating boycotting your blog as an eco fascist. Why cant you hug the trees?
Am in Florence with work. Serious passport bashing at the mo. Its so beautiful - I should really get out there and explore more but unfortunately i have the worst hangover. Only myself to blame....
Think we spoke on Sunday morning...? Another large night on the tiles...
Love plum x
Response: Bloody eco-fascist. Typical eco-fascist preaching whilst flying round the world!
I'm buying a Volvo estate tomorrow - rock and roll. So excited... x
From Chicken Pie
Pumpkin Chops! I've just been checking out your photos -
What's with the tie Pumpkin Chops!?!? It was all I could do to get you to iron your shirts, let alone add the tie!
Much as you are switched off from 'Education' at the moment perhaps you should try to use your charm to get stuck in the Education and Training Dept instead of moving to the grief stricken car park permit dept - can't be doing with violence at work!!!!!!
One little bit of advice from your little chicken pie - keep you 'gob' shut when you're drunk - offering to sleep with men is really going to back fire on you one day and we'll have a right old pickle to sort out!
Have fun, missing you loads
Chicken Pie.
Response: Hi Helen. Unfortunately Education job is only for 1 day....Hardly taxing work. probably stuffing envelopes for all I know. Will heed your advice about drunken golden rules....Fortunately everyone thought I was hilarious....
Miss you too xxx
From Vicki
Frank - step away from the French dictionary and get yourself down the Foo Fighters for gods sake.
Back from Vagas in 1 piece altho god knows how. Managed a 48hr vodka fueled bender peaking on fight night (Calzaghe won btw) After a full day down at the airport with all sorts of fun & games involving missing bags / delayed flights / passenger suffering mild stroke (!) I headed to LAX at the Luxor to meet some guests from the tour I had helped organise some private entertainment for... Seems they had a few bob and had got themselves a private table complete with balcony overlooking the dancefloor The table was covered with Vodka, JD, mixers, ice - the works. After free pouring myself a few too many vodka cokes I was well in the swing of things. Seems u either have too be an incredibly filthy rich man or super fit lady to enjoy yourself in Vegas (considering Im neither I thought I was doing fairly well.. and luckily could play the "Im the event organiser" card...) Seriously - money really talks. Joe public on the dancefloor were treated like cattle. Seems the score is the guys get these tables / areas with all these drinks and the fit birds circle around cruising for an invitation to join them. After some less than cute chicks kept crashing the table the server asked "would you like to move sommewhere more discreet?" and we were ushered into this secret uber club / back room. We were frisked and had to hand over all our phhones / cameras / recording devices etc. Cant really say much more on planet ranger but boy - one of the craziest nights Ive had in while.
Still up at 10am and missed all my transfers (collegues insanely unimpressed with me) I hopped on a helicopter to the Grand Canyon feeeling like death valley itself. Amazing views (see face book pics) but sadly disappointed with the purpose built tourist ""ranch" we had lunch at. think the chicken was from Aldi...
Hope the painballing goes well. In the unlikely event that you do reproduce perhaps youd better take Pidges advice and get yourself a box.
Apostrophe key still bust.
Seeing Sam & Ollie tomorrow - well try n skype?
Take care x x x x x
Response: Charming as ever Vicki....
From JanetIf you are going to work at the Dept of Education & Training, try to get funding to produce yet another report/ guide/ summary/ strategy/ brief/ assessment/ toolkit/ plan/ consultation/ response/ update/ evaluation or any other such gravy train bumph. Lord knows, we haven't got enough of THOSE to read.
Anyway, perfect timing what with you being in between jobs at the moment:
http://www.ccm.ac.uk/ccm_gateway.asp?NavID=2382...you considered it for a moment there didn't you?
From Rob
I'm Still reading. Think its hilarious!!! but never get round to typing anything. Hope your having a great time
Love Rob xx
From Bee Woo
Plophead, sorry for the lack of contact, since last we spoke have successfully made it to Amsterdam and back (doubts were cast over the coming back part at times) and am now coming down with a nasty case of acute liver failure after drinking myself into a coma on several successive evenings. Excellent. Date with rich banker last night - fun evening but won't be seeing him again. Still, got a free meal out of it!
Glad to hear you're okay. Slightly concerned about your French geeking though - you definitely need to get out more!
X
From Carl
Frank,
Just got this story forwarded from an old work mate.... thought it would amuse....
My youngest is up in London for the week on a training course.
Yesterday after end of class he decided to go down to Trafalgar Square as
it's St George's day to see what's going on.
He arrives and there's an English food festival ... then over the general
hubub comes the unmistakeable sound of bagpipes.
He follows this with growing increduility to discover a jock prancing about
in kilt with a set of pipes sounding like he's strangling a cat.
Then, in his own words : "A great big skinhead wearing an England shirt came
charging round the corner and decked the jock with one punch."
Makes you proud to be English doesn't it :)
From Carl
Frank,
I being a paint balling veteran of 5+ tours of duty and a ‘TOPGUN’ on one such occasion have come to the conclusion that a hefty pair of grundy’s and two pairs of jeans are sufficient in protecting said ‘Crown Jewel’s’. That said if someone shoots you at close range on the very upper thigh (as I did with poor old Ben) then there’s not a piece of padding that’ll protect you!
Take heed and good luck.
Carl
From pigeon
It's a sad day when one takes comfort in transposing the conversations of total strangers into French...
Still, there are much more harmful vices. I say congratulations on actually putting your mind to good use whilst all around disolve theirs in tooheys. I actually find my own comprehension skills tested here on an a regular basis. It's a very civilised place-but a few West Virginian hillboys pop up now and again.
A 'good ole boy' literally chewing a piece of grass shouted something at me from his pick-up truck yesterday. I could but stand and stare, such was my total lack of comprehension. I know there was a 'ya'll' in there- but frankly, he didn't speak a word of the Queens'.
Anway, I realise these messages provide a degree of emotional nurishment so I will continue to prattle on. I can myself partially relate, now, to your longing for Stirchley!
My secret tip for paintballing- buy a cricket box..I was once thankful.
pigeon
p.s not sorted skype yet- haven't found a cheap webcam here.
From Dad
Things you seldom hear: "Could I have an extra helping of grammar, please?"... You've set the bar pretty high for yourself, but you're doing remarkably well. X
Response: cheers
From pigeon
Greetings from Virginia! UVa is an absolutely beautiful campus- with several key buildings actually designed by Thomas Jefferson. Puts UB, not an ugly campus by any means, to shame.
Your trip sounds very interesting. Setting prisoners to useful back breaking manual labour sounds a brilliant idea. Personally, however, I retain a fondness for the totally futile practices of old. Bring back the crank!
Weather in the US is hot...though probably not up to your level. Can't belive Jol will be joining you down under- that will be amazing.
pigeon
Response: Indeed, turn the screw a bit more to make it harder... Oh for a proper right wing government...
We must be about 12 hours different! Like the sound of your jolly. Impressive. You know what UB stands for don't you? Utter b....
It's actually gone a little chilly (only when in the shade and in the wind!!) Yeah NZ will be great...What's your skype login?
From David
Frank, so glad you're back on line.
Re your prison visit- obviously you must ensure the organisers are not senile.
David
From Janet
My Fave joke at the moment:
A full passenger plane has just reached cruising altitude when the pilot's voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are at 33,000 feet, just about to pass over the south coast of England and the Channel, we have a good tail wind so we expec....OH MY GOD!!!!"
then silence....
A few minutes later, the pilot's voice again:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, sorry for the break in the announcement there, the flight attendant just spilt hot coffee in my lap - you should see the front of my trousers"
Came a shout from the back of the plane..."Yeah.. and you should see the back of mine"
Frank - They have a whipping post and gallows at Fremantle prison - I've just seen it on the website. No doubt part of your 'sentence planning' if you were governor. Keep your eyes open for the relaxation rooms, acupunture classes, IT suites, well-equipped sports halls, boating lakes etc. etc. I'm sure they must have them - it's Human rights innit?
Response: Oh don't. Bring back the birch I say...
From Carl
Frank, dearest slightly balding Frank,
I’m confused. Let me get this straight and feel free to correct me if I’m wrong but you’ve travelled halfway across the world to spend you’re time sitting in an office with a bunch of women old enough to be either your mother or grandmother, coercing them into darning your worn trousers whilst reading foreign dictionaries?!
In what little spare time there is left you spend either learning or translating and sending to your Dad passages of FRENCH, all whilst listening to Bach or other classical composers of which only people generally ten years your senior listen to.
To top it all off for fun tomorrow you’ll be visiting an Aussie PRISON, a category of building that along with other things instigated your visit to another continent.
You do remember France don’t you? I went there with you no more than three years ago, it was hot, they spoke French and we probably passed some prisons on the way? As I recall you could get back from there easily too as it was just across the channel. Not far away but just far enough!
I’m more likely mistaken…yes, that’s it, this is probably part of some cunning plan, a plan as cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University!
Or maybe a new life learning curve in which I, being of lesser intelligence have not quite cottoned onto?
Quite possibly you’re playing the long game. The slightly eccentric yet endearing Brit, in a vain hope of getting yourself into a “ménage à trios” with the French girl’s!
A plan this devious must surely be the case!
Yes that’s it…
I apoligise for the rant.
Yours inspired,
Carl x
Response: It's menage a trois..... (with some accents thrown in) Yes that sums it up perfectly. A true British eccentric.I lost my sanity at Heathrow airport on 1st March. Along with my hair I lost my marbles......They let me out on the weekends though if I've had my medication.
